Belgian Hole Diggers

Thomas and Maxim were working for Provinciale Ontwikkelingsmaatschappij Antwerpen (they take care of the roads in Antwerp).

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one Belgian digging a hole, the other Belgian filling it in again.

Ali was driving by with his Tesla going to a tier 2 meeting. Amazed at the obvious stupidity he asked Thomas.

"I am sure you feel great putting down all this effort, but I don't get it... Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

Thomas wiped his forehead brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the other guy who plants the trees called in sick."

A pack of condoms

Guy goes into the Chemist's to buy a pack of condoms. Asked what size pack, he replies, "a pack of 10, that's what I usually get".

The chemist explains that they're now available in packs of 6, 9 and 12 only. Asked why the change, the Chemist replies that it's an attempt to meet varying requirements across Europe.

Customer: "How's that worked out then?".

Chemist: "Well you see, the 6-pack is mainly for Italians. They're very religious and usually abstain on Sunday night, so a 6-pack is a week's supply".

Customer: "What about the 9-pack?".

Chemist: "They're for the French, who are very passionate. Once a night Monday to Friday, and twice each night on the weekend".

Customer (with growing interest): "What about the 12-pack then, whoever would need that many?".

Chemist: "They're for the British".

Customer (astounded): "The British???, how on earth can that be?".

Chemist: "Oh, you know, one for January, one for February, and so on".

All I Really Need to Know

Author Robert Fulghum has published eight best-selling books of non-fiction. Here are some parts of his book ‘All I Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten’, a New York Times bestseller, to sprinkle with pureness our day.

These are the things I learned (in Kindergarten):

1. Share everything.

2. Play fair.

3. Don’t hit people.

4. Put thngs back where you found them.

5. CLEAN UP YOUR OWN MESS.

6. Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

7. Say you’re SORRY when you HURT somebody.

8. Wash your hands before you eat.

9. Flush.

10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

11. Live a balanced life – learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work everyday some.

12. Take a nap every afternoon.

13. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.

14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Stryrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

15. Goldfish and hamster and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup – they all die. So do we.

16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first workd you learned – the biggest word of all – LOOK.

--

via the wondefull Youaresocool.net written by beautiful Lena

Tina Fey on Women’s Body Image

But I think the first real change in women’s body image came when JLo turned it butt-style. That was the first time that having a large-scale situation in the back was part of mainstream American beauty. Girls wanted butts now. Men were free to admit that they had always enjoyed them. And then, what felt like moments later, boom—Beyoncé brought the leg meat. A back porch and thick muscular legs were now widely admired. And from that day forward, women embraced their diversity and realized that all shapes and sizes are beautiful. Ah ha ha. No. I’m totally messing with you. All Beyonce and JLo have done is add to the laundry list of attributes women must have to qualify as beautiful.

Now every girl is expected to have Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

Tina Fey, Bossypants

Why Parents get gray hair

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person

who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?", the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?, asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

The awkward moment when, Part 2 [ 10 moments]

Here are ten of my favourites. If you have one you like add it in comments.

[1]

That awkward moment when you're naked, trying to get dressed and your pet is staring at you.

[2]

That awkward moment when you can't tell your kids that it all started with a friend request. [ source ]

[3]

That awkward moment when spelling is so important that it changes everythong. [ source ]

[4]

That awkward moment when you text your friend to tell them Osama is dead and they ask "well who's going to be president now?" [ source ]

[5]

That awkward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus. [ source ]

[6]

That awkward moment when Prince William says Rachel's name at the wedding. [ source ]

[7]

That awkward moment when your chair makes a farting noise and no one believes it was the chair, so you try to do it again but you can't make the sound.

[8]

That awkward moment when you think you're doing really well at Mario Kart, and then you realize you're looking at your friends screen.

[9]

That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and both walk the same way

[10]

That awkward moment when the police ask Waldo's mom why she's never filed a missing persons report. [ source ]

Use the comments to tell us your own and we will add it to the list.

In a coma

A pregnant woman from Vancouver gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies,

"Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Quebec came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself,

"No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor,

"Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "

Amy Winehouse Short Jokes

Q: Which movie starring Amy Winehouse is getting Oscar buzz?

A: "Coke Whore"

Q: Whats worse than having Britney Spears as a mom?

A: Having Amy Winehouse as a nanny!

Q: Why did the Amy Winehouse snort artificial sweetener?

A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: What's worth more than a black market kidney or liver?

A: Amy Winehouse's nose hairs!

Q. Why does Amy Winehouse have a tattoo of a pocket on her boob?

A. It's where she keeps the tattoo of her keys.

Q: What's the difference between February and Amy Winehouse?

A: February makes it to 28!

Q: What's more toxic to babies than Chinese milk?

A: Amy Winehouse breastfeeding your kids!

Q: How do you know your playing a tennis match with Amy Winehouse?

A: Your opponent tries to snort the service line!

Q: Amy Winehouse's health is at risk due to her crack problem.

A: Her doctors say that if she doesn't wash it soon, she'll get gangrene.

Q: Why was Amy Winehouse being treated for an adverse reaction to medication?

A: Doctor said she had overdosed on fresh air.

Q: Amy Winehouse just received the starring role in what movie?

A: Fraggle Rock: The Movie

Q: What will Amy Winehouse do with her 5 grammy awards?

A: Sell them on Ebay to buy crack!

Q: What’s the difference between Amy Winehouse and Amy Winehouse jokes?

A: The jokes will get old.

Q: What’s the difference between me and Amy Winehouse?

A: Amy has more money, but I woke up on Saturday!

Q: How do men pick up Amy Winehouse?

A: With a stretcher!

Q: What did Amy Winehouse say right before she died?

A: "How about a magic trick? I'm gonna make this line of coke...disappear!"

Q: What have Amy Winehouse and a fly got in common?

A: They’re both six feet.

In world news today Switzerland just medicalised heroin! In other news, Amy Winehouse is moving to Switzerland!

Q: Why is Amy Winehouse having fainting spells?

A: Her crack levels are getting low!

Q: What is Amy Winehouse's favorite song?

A: I wanna rock!

The Truest Definition of Globalization


Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer:

Tragically, Princess Diana's death.

Question:

Why?

Answer:

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey,

followed closely by Italian paparazzi on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gates' technology and you are probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant; transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by illegal Mexican workers...

And that is what Globalization is.

Hey, Lady....

As I watched TV one night, I saw two ads for tampons, three 
for laxatives, one for "feminine hygiene" spray, and one
for an anti-acid, all within a fifteen-minute time space.
And the same lady was in TWO of the "feminine" product ads.
You know, I just want to say, "Hey, Lady! I know WAY too much about
your vagina!"

Man looking for tampons..

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she.

21 awkward moments...!

1)
That awkward moment when your brother gets more compliments on his makeup than you do.


2)
The awkward moment when you have no clothes on and there's a delivery guy at the door.

3)
The awkward moment when you see a cat and start meowing at it, waiting for it to meow back, only to realize that someone is watching you.

4)
That awkward moment when you walk into a closet and don't end up in Narnia.

5)
That awkward moment when you can't tell if someone's using a Bluetooth or if they're just talking to themselves.

6)
The awkward moment when you're licking your lips because they're dry but someone takes it the wrong way.

7)
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comments on Facebook and you look like you're talking to yourself.

8)
The awkward moment when you run downstairs Christmas morning and realize you're Jewish.

9)
The awkward moment when you don't know how to continue the conversation.

10)
The awkward moment when someone calls Willy Wonka to tell him one of his oompa-loompas escaped and is living on the Jersey Shore.

11)
The awkward moment when your Sim has it's first kiss before you do.

12)
The awkward moment when Dora the Explorer discovers Google Maps.

13)

The awkward moment when you dreamt the plot of Twilight before Stephenie Meyer, but thought "wow, that was incredibly stupid."

14)
The awkward moment when you take a picture with the palest person in the school just to make yourself look tan.

15)
The awkward moment when you go to a friend's yard sale and you see that the gift you got him/her for their birthday is for sale.

16)

The awkward moment when your boyfriend texts "I have a surprise for you" and you receive an email from your joint bank account about theengagement ring transaction.


17)
The awkward Moment when you see an obese person driving a Honda Fit.

18)
The awkward moment when Selena Gomez has a boyfriend who looks like a girlfriend.

19)
The awkward moment when when you've been saying "human bean" or 16 years instead of "human being."

20)
The awkward moment when you realise that Cher Lloyd is Cheryl Cole's Horcrux.

21)
The awkward moment when two pedophiles talk to each other on facebook pretending to be kids, and meet up somewhere.

19 Amy Winehouse Short Jokes

Q: Which movie starring Amy Winehouse is getting Oscar buzz?

A: "Coke Whore"

Q: What's worse than having Britney Spears as a mom?

A: Having Amy Winehouse as a nanny!

Q: Why did the Amy Winehouse snort artificial sweetener?

A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: What's worth more than a black market kidney or liver?

A: Amy Winehouse's nose hairs!

Q. Why does Amy Winehouse have a tattoo of a pocket on her boob?

A. It's here she keeps the tattoo of her keys.

Q: What's the difference between February and Amy Winehouse?

A: February makes it to 28!

Q: What's more toxic to babies than Chinese milk?

A: Amy Winehouse breastfeeding your kids!

Q: How do you know your playing a tennis match with Amy Winehouse?

A: Your opponent tries to snort the service line!

Q: Amy Winehouse's health is at risk due to her crack problem.

A: Her doctors say that if she doesn't wash it soon, she'll get gangrene.

Q: Why was Amy Winehouse being treated for an adverse reaction to medication?

A: Doctor said she had overdosed on fresh air.

Q: Amy Winehouse just received the starring role in what movie?

A: Fraggle Rock: The Movie

Q: What will Amy Winehouse do with her 5 grammy awards?

A: Sell them on Ebay to buy crack!

Q: What's he difference between Amy Winehouse and Amy Winehouse jokes?

A: The jokes will get old.

Q: How do men pick up Amy Winehouse?

A: With a stretcher!

Q: What will Amy Winehouse say right before she dies?

A: "How about a magic trick? I'm gonna make this line of coke...disappear!"

Q: What have Amy Winehouse and a fly got in common?

A: They're both six feet.

In world news today Switzerland just medicalised heroin! In other news, Amy Winehouse is moving to Switzerland!

Q: Why is Amy Winehouse having fainting spells?

A: Her crack levels are getting low!

Q: What is Amy Winehouse's favorite song?

A: I wanna rock!

Beer and Ice Cream Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalized. Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal. This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

School of Physics, University of Sydney

source

6 Short Batman Jokes

Batman is probably the most stoic character in the comicbooks, which is all the more reason to make fun of him!
If you grew up watching a certain campy 1960's television show, that is another reason to poke fun at him! (And a darn big one, too!)
Whatever generation you're from, here are some jokes we can all enjoy that tease America's greatest detective.

-How many caped crusaders does it take to change a light-bulb?

-None. They like the dark.

- What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?
- He was the bat-boy.

-How does Batman's mother call him to dinner?
-(tune of 1960's theme) Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner Batman!!!

-Why did Bruce's date go badly?
-Because he has BAT breath!

-What does Batgirl wear to bed?
-Her Dark Knight gown!

-What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
-Get in the Batmobile Robin!

More Batman in Funny-City.com : Batman funny cartoons (8), Batman funny photos (11)

Calvin & Hobbes and the Batman

Batman hates Wikileaks

Fast food won Batman

Iron man vs Batman

Batman vs Galactus

Funny Graduation Quotes

During the graduation ceremony, you want to say a few words to the eager audience. In your speech, you use a familiar joke. To your horror, nobody even smiles, forget laugh. You go crimson in the ears and want to end your speech at the earliest. Sounds like a familiar situation? Very often, people don't realize that a funny graduation quote always works with audiences. Don't repeat familiar jokes; rather use a funny graduation quote to add mirth to your speech. Here are some that could help you make a great speech.

Robert Orben

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Gary Bolding
Your families are extremely proud of you. You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.

Doug Larson
The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

James D'arcy
It was only when I finished the course and left my graduation diploma on the bus that I realised I'd become an actor.

Garry Trudeau
Commencement speeches were invented largely in the belief that outgoing college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

Source Unknown
One thing about the school of experience is that it will repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time.

George Foreman

I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I'd be a college graduate today.

Robert Goheen

If you feel that you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you.

Proverb
You cannot get to the top by sitting on your bottom.

Oscar Wilde
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught.

Let's make it look natural...

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
"Let's try to make this look natural "she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."
The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

You know you're a grad student when...

* You can identify universities by their internet domains.
* You are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
* You have difficulty reading anything that doesn't have footnotes.
* You understand jokes about Foucault.
* The concept of free time scares you.
* You consider caffeine to be a major food group.
* You've ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.
* Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
* The professor doesn't show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
* You've ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
* You appreciate the fact that you get to choose which twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
* You still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you'll get over it).
* You can read course books and cook at the same time.
* You schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
* You hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
* You've ever worn out a library card.
* You find taking notes in a park relaxing.
* You find yourself citing sources in conversation.
* You've ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
* You can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
* Your office is better decorated than your apartment.
* You have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
* You are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
* You have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
* You rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
* Everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
* You have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
* You have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
* There is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
* You actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
* You can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
* You look forward to summers because you're more productive without the distraction of classes.
* You regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
* You consider all papers to be works in progress.
* Professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
* You find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
* You have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
* You have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.
* You find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th grade".
* You start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
* You often wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.
* You look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.
* You have more photocopy cards than credit cards.
* You wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as "personal communication".
* You have a favourite flavour of instant noodle.

Give Josh another chance

It's graduation day, and everybody's going to get their diploma but Josh. At the assembly, the entire senior class stands up and shouts "Let Josh graduate, let Josh graduate!"

The principal agrees to give Josh one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Josh, how many apples do I have?" he asked.

Josh thought long and hard and then said: "Ten."

And the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Give Josh another chance. Give Josh another chance!

Two young men

Two young men who had just graduated from university climbed into a taxi wearing their graduation gowns.
"Are you graduates from the city university?" asked the cab driver.
"Yes, sir," they announced proudly. "Class of "99."
The cabbie extended his hand. "Class of "67."

25 phrases you wish you could say at work more often

1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

[ via ]

11 more nan jokes (pack 3)

-Stop taking pictures of me bitch!
-Nan please, that's a speed camera.


-You'll never get me ya bloody grim ripper!
-Nan please that's an emo!


-Since when could oranges walk?!
-Nan were in essex!


-Don't K me you cunt!
-Nan please, thats just alphabet spaghetti.


-Oi cunt you think your so hard with your sunglasses and you pimp cane!
-Nan he's blind!


-GO TO JAIL? WILL I FUCK!
-Nan calm down, it's only monopoly!


-Lets show these cunts how we role.
-Nan please give him his wheelchair back


-I'm not Afraid, to take a stand
-Chill nan, It's just a weigh-in


-Quick! fukn flush that stash down the shithouse the cops are here.
-Nan its kronic it's legal


-That cunt smells like curry!
-Nan he's indian!


-He poked me, the bloody cunt!
-Nan please, get off facebook.

9 Jokes you wouldn't tell your nan!

-What's blue and fucks nans?
-Me in my lucky blue coat.

-------

-Why isn't rape funny?
-It is, it was a trick question.

-------


-What do you call an Alabaman virgin?
-A ten year old who can run faster than her uncle.

-------

Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang-rape.

-------


- What has two legs and bleeds?
- Half a dog.

-------

update: we decided to remove 4 out of the original 9 jokes, since they were simply too much. We know that people say such jokes but we thought that having them here was not something that we felt comfortable about. The 5 short jokes left behind are still in bad taste, but that's the point of them. If you feel offended just move on, there are plenty of clean jokes on the site. Petros

11 Nan Jokes (pack 2)

- Look at those speeding cunts.
- Nan that's an ambulance.

- They see me rollin', they hatin'...
- Nan get out of the trolley.

- Who's that slut waving at us?
- Nan that's mum.

- Fuck off, ninja!
- Nan, that's a muslim.

-Go back to Africa, go back to India!
-Nan shut up we're at the zoo.

-Say hello to my little friend...
-Nan put down the midget.

-Whus that old cunt wavin' on the balcony..
-Nan that's the queen.

-Wear some colours ya emos!
-Nan we're at a funeral.

-He's slow as fuck.
-Nan, that's Usain Bolt.


-Stop licking your pussy cunt.,
-Nan, that's a cat.

-Wake up ya lazy cunt!
-Nan he's in a coma!

10 Nan Jokes (pack 1)

- Wave properly you stupid bitch!
- Nan please, that's the Queen.

- Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow.
- Nan please, it's an inter-racial couple.

- Ridin' solo, I'm ridin' solo....
- Nan please, we're at granddad's funeral.

- Stop ya crying cunt.
- Nan please it's a baby.

-OI slag, shut ya legs.
-Nan please, she is having a baby.

-What are you looking at old cunt.
-Nan please that's the mirror.

-Shit that bitch is gunna get Sniped!!!
-Nan, please she's Hindu

-Get the fuck off my property.
-Nan please it's just monopoly.

-You wanna buy some weed?
-Nan please she's four!

-These nan jokes are getting old.
-Nan please, So are you.

12 Great truths about life that little children have learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize cats.

2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3. If you sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4. Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

7. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

8. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

9. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.

10. School lunches stick to the wall.

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

12. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

13. The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap.

Driving Styles

Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...

Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.

New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.

New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.

Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.

Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.

Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lap

Ohio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.

Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.

Seattle: One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game.

Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window.

West Virginia: Four-wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna.

Florida: Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on.

Edmonton: One gloved hand on wheel, one hand on heater, feet up underneath bum to keep warm, 3 differently decorated ice scrapers, one plastic, broken; one steel, broken; one pastel, hidden in trunk. neither foot on accelerator or brakes because with all the ice on the roads, you're all moving at the same speed either way.

Dubuque, Iowa: no use of turn signal, or left on for 26 blocks...also cradling cheap cell phone.

Maine: Beat up 1983 Dodge Ram pick-up truck, right hand holding a Dunkin Donuts coffee, cigarette dangling from mouth, greasy hair shoved underneath an oil stained cap and classic rock blaring from the radio.

Vancouver: Canadian beer in one hand, B.C. Weed in the other. Dick on the steering wheel

New Orleans: One hand on wheel, one hand holding down sum hookers head while she's giving head!

Pennsylvania: Both hands on reigns.

California: (Bay Area / Silicon Valley) One hand on laptop computer, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dash board, cell phone attached to head with microphone earpiece, having a executive meeting with half a dozen people on speaker phone, palm pilot wedged between knees to observe up to date stock quotes, and shoes kicked off, and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in the past hour.

Montana: One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay leaves blowing out of bed while going down the highway.

Nebraska: Two hands on wheel, with head lodged up ass, chunks of rust falling off by the pound.

Quebec: engaged in heated political discussion with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them.

Michigan: Both hands on wheel and head up ass.

Toronto: Both hands on the wheel, seat as far forward as possible, head fixed only looking forward, ignoring people behind and beside you, stopping and waiting for the road to fully clear before making any forward progress.

Los Angeles: Lowered Honda, can't see over dash, driving too fast or too slow, car sounds like a bee as it goes by.

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