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Awesome animation showing the growing up of Homer.
Get dressed NOW or you're going in your underwear
I was perhaps 9 years old when it happened.
I had a terrible habit as a kid to want to sleep in until the last possible moment. Ok, who am I kidding? I still do that. I'm usually about 30 seconds late for work every day. But when I was a kid, this drove my mother to the brink of sanity. She put up with it for a long time always managing to get me roused and dressed, books in hand and out the door for school just in the nick of time. Sometimes she'd peek her head in my bedroom door every 10 minutes and check in, making sure I was on track. And generally I managed to get myself together with seconds to spare. But there WAS that one time...
Mom: "Sweetie, it's time to get up and get dressed."
Mom: "Honey, we have to leave at 7:30 if we're going to get you to school on time. Please get up and start getting dressed or you won't have time for breakfast!"
Mom: "Justin, get out of bed. I mean it. You're already going to be pressed for time to eat breakfast. We're leaving at 7:30, whether you're ready or not."
Me: "Arrrrggghh...Ok, I'm up, I'm up."
Mom: "Sweetie, are you dressed yet? I've got your breakfast ready..."
Mom: "DAMN IT! Wake UP and get READY!!! I swear to you Justin, we're leaving here at 7:30. I don't care if you miss your breakfast. I don't care if you aren't dressed for school."
Me: "Ok, sorry...sorry. I'm up."
Mom: "Are you still awake? Good...why aren't you dressed? Get dressed NOW or you're going in your underwear."
Mom: "Alright, let's go. Grab your backpack."
Me: "But Mom, I'm not ready..."
She grabbed me by the arm and escorted me out the front door. No shoes, no shirt, not a stitch of clothing besides my tighty whities. She held me by the wrist and led me to the car. I can't remember this very clearly because I was somewhat upset. I do remember that I was crying uncontrollably. Likely pleading and begging in some fashion. She put me in the back seat, got in, and drove away casually as if nothing in the world was out of place. And as I began to calm somewhat, I sat, mostly naked and full of fear, in the back seat pondering my next move. I didn't have any more outs. I had no clothing and no plan. I was fucked. I was going to school in my underwear.
Never once did it cross my mind that this could be a bluff. My mother didn't bluff. She wasn't turning the car around. Heck, we were halfway to school already! Here I was, in my undies and headed toward certain ridicule and major embarrassment of the worst kind, the ridicule of grade-school peers. And all because I'd chosen to sleep when I should have been getting dressed. When I should have been enjoying a nutritious breakfast. I slept this upon myself. I had learned my lesson. It wouldn't happen again. I'd always get up from now on at first call. Various other reasoning and begging followed. I gazed into the rearview mirror, looking her in the eyes. I groveled. And she stared back and me, cold and firm in her resolution.
We pulled into the driveway of my school, and up the lane to the front doors; the main car-rider drop off point. My mother didn't even put the car in park. She just looked at me expectantly in the rearview. Not a speck of emotion. "Well?...," said her eyes. I began to cry again. She put the car in park, killed the engine, unfastened her seatbelt, and got out. I was completely prepared. I had mentally readied myself to be dragged from the car, in a cliched kicking and screaming fashion. My mother went around back of the car and opened the trunk, from which she removed a brown paper grocery bag. She came back around to the side and opened my door. She stood there looking at me, like I was the worst child ever. And she handed me the brown bag with my clothes inside. "Get dressed."
That was indeed the last time I ever failed to hearken to my mother's wakeup call.
Wasting your time
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"
The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
Confessions of a kid
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Dear God, This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.
Dear God, I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God
God, I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!!!!!
He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat.
"Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?"
"Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it."
The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks.
"Give us a little hint.", pleaded the second son.
"Only if you take a bite.", said the father.
As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time."
The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"
Never Lie To Your Mother
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal,
his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's
roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between John and his roommate and this only
made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it,
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter
just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house,
and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the
fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were
here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact
remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now.
Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mother.
After these photos you'll love Bollywood too...