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Daring me to crack a smile

The owner of the hotel insisted on telling me about the local village, deliberately mentioning its name in every sentence while looking me right in the eye with dead seriousness, as if daring me to crack a smile.

Congratulations!

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says,

"Congratulations, you got twins."

The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins."

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says,
"Congratulations, you got triplets."
Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2."

Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.

They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

Get dressed NOW or you're going in your underwear

I was perhaps 9 years old when it happened.

I had a terrible habit as a kid to want to sleep in until the last possible moment. Ok, who am I kidding? I still do that. I'm usually about 30 seconds late for work every day. But when I was a kid, this drove my mother to the brink of sanity. She put up with it for a long time always managing to get me roused and dressed, books in hand and out the door for school just in the nick of time. Sometimes she'd peek her head in my bedroom door every 10 minutes and check in, making sure I was on track. And generally I managed to get myself together with seconds to spare. But there WAS that one time...

6:45am
Mom: "Sweetie, it's time to get up and get dressed."
Me: "Uhhhhaaaaaaaaaaamffff..."

6:55am
Mom: "Honey, we have to leave at 7:30 if we're going to get you to school on time. Please get up and start getting dressed or you won't have time for breakfast!"
Me: "Ushdfgakjasgh..."

7:05am
Mom: "Justin, get out of bed. I mean it. You're already going to be pressed for time to eat breakfast. We're leaving at 7:30, whether you're ready or not."
Me: "Arrrrggghh...Ok, I'm up, I'm up."

7:15am
Mom: "Sweetie, are you dressed yet? I've got your breakfast ready..."
Me: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
Mom: "DAMN IT! Wake UP and get READY!!! I swear to you Justin, we're leaving here at 7:30. I don't care if you miss your breakfast. I don't care if you aren't dressed for school."
Me: "Ok, sorry...sorry. I'm up."

7:25am
Mom: "Are you still awake? Good...why aren't you dressed? Get dressed NOW or you're going in your underwear."
Me: "Ok."

7:30am
Mom: "Alright, let's go. Grab your backpack."
Me: "But Mom, I'm not ready..."
Mom: "Tough."

She grabbed me by the arm and escorted me out the front door. No shoes, no shirt, not a stitch of clothing besides my tighty whities. She held me by the wrist and led me to the car. I can't remember this very clearly because I was somewhat upset. I do remember that I was crying uncontrollably. Likely pleading and begging in some fashion. She put me in the back seat, got in, and drove away casually as if nothing in the world was out of place. And as I began to calm somewhat, I sat, mostly naked and full of fear, in the back seat pondering my next move. I didn't have any more outs. I had no clothing and no plan. I was fucked. I was going to school in my underwear.

Never once did it cross my mind that this could be a bluff. My mother didn't bluff. She wasn't turning the car around. Heck, we were halfway to school already! Here I was, in my undies and headed toward certain ridicule and major embarrassment of the worst kind, the ridicule of grade-school peers. And all because I'd chosen to sleep when I should have been getting dressed. When I should have been enjoying a nutritious breakfast. I slept this upon myself. I had learned my lesson. It wouldn't happen again. I'd always get up from now on at first call. Various other reasoning and begging followed. I gazed into the rearview mirror, looking her in the eyes. I groveled. And she stared back and me, cold and firm in her resolution.

We pulled into the driveway of my school, and up the lane to the front doors; the main car-rider drop off point. My mother didn't even put the car in park. She just looked at me expectantly in the rearview. Not a speck of emotion. "Well?...," said her eyes. I began to cry again. She put the car in park, killed the engine, unfastened her seatbelt, and got out. I was completely prepared. I had mentally readied myself to be dragged from the car, in a cliched kicking and screaming fashion. My mother went around back of the car and opened the trunk, from which she removed a brown paper grocery bag. She came back around to the side and opened my door. She stood there looking at me, like I was the worst child ever. And she handed me the brown bag with my clothes inside. "Get dressed."

That was indeed the last time I ever failed to hearken to my mother's wakeup call.

8 weird ways to die

Beer troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

Cool cloud

Gymnastics waldrobe malfunction

Excuse me....

Pong

A1 Steak Sauce

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Youda Fairy

Puzzle Prince

Ron White - Blue Collar Comedy Tour

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Spaceman vs Monsters

David Beckham checks an ass and gets caught by Victoria

Anodyne Demo

Monster kartz

Ballery

Missing kitten found in fat woman

Greg Giraldo - Jesus loves us

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Young boy in Ghana plays sick beat with his mouth

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Cursor 10 (fixed)

Living with 3 women....!

Yeah...

Angelah Johnson - Dating Habits

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Konkey Dong

Fat Cat

Worlds Guard 2

Tornado at a football match

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Kristen Schaal at Uptown Showdown - Babies vs Old People

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